my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
