If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
