I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He did a backflip because drugs
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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