Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
