you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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