Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
