farters have to be the big spoon...
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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