Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
