she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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