She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
