Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
There's always time for handjobs
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
