Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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