one two three fourrrrnication!
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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