She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
