I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
