I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
