I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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