Church boner. Awkwardddd
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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