I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
