i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
