oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
