I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Randomize
