He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
