Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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