hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
