guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
so let's talk penis.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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