I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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