at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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