i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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