Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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