how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
