She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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