just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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