Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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