i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
