You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
