That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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