Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
