Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
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