watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
