I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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