Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
