I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
