Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
