So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
