I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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