I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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