idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
