I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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