Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
