She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
