Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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