Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
