Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
