life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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