I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
