Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
did i walk over a car last night?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
